hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she smelled like a LAN party
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
