i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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