No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"