about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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