I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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