I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
