i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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