so that wasnt chicken after all
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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