Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.