I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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