his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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