Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
