is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize