my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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