The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
