i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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