if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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