Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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