Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
