I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
