What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
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