The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
