sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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