I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
