one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
