okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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