God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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