The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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