Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
