I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
