I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
