What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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