I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
