You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i dont even know how to be here
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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