He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
