Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
