Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize