...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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