Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
