I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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