can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
