How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
