took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish you could order shots online.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
