Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
