2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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