make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
