I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
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I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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