I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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