dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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