yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
