i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my liver is dry heaving
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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