Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
