Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My hand turned me down
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
