I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
