Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My bed smells like the plague
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
