My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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