I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
