I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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