On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I had to cum in my sink.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
